Pushing Thru into what I said I want

I’ve been noticing soooo much about myself lately….and what is in my way as far as expressing my creativity. And just how my brain seems to function. I’ve been studying about how the brain works, and that is very helpful.

I seem to be irrationally disturbed about disorder in my personal space, but at the same time, it is an obstacle in my creating, which is like up there in the top reasons for my existence as far as I can tell.

And also just being born with the gift of CREATIVITY, and what a double edge sword that can be, especially lately for me. I’ve been really mindful of conjuring the good images and ideas and protecting myself from the ugly ones.

I also have been feeling not totally comfortable at times at home, and I’m feeling this must be an incarnation (similar scenario) to my growing up space where the space was so unstable emotionally, volatile and often violent. I’ve been co-existing in a really unfamiliar home relationship, that is exciting and different from what I have known before, but also has elements that are pushing me to grow — it’s either that or bail out.

I wake up some mornings and I don’t remember what I wanted to do, and coming out of that asleep space for the past couple of months has been so challenging. I used to get up early, but for the past couple of months I’ve laid in bed for a couple of hours in the morning — falling back to sleep, it’s a new habit that hasn’t existed for long but is quite the challenge to shake off.

And the emotional storm of motivation that comes on to do something about my cluttered work/livespace is just horrible really, it doesn’t feel helpful it feels bad, and it’s hard to even know what it is, I can see that it is energy to do something but my mind just gets drunk on it in a bad way. It’s overwhelming and seems to attract shit ideas about things that I don’t like about my current situation. This is not how I want to be living my life.

This expression today just feels like what I need to do, it’s a vent. Now I’ll do my best to focus on accomplishing a good design and executing it.

It’s my responsibility to take care of me with what I’ve got to work with.