A Dark Place or Lifting off

I am traveling in my rocket ship to the planet of imagination. All the other creatures & angels will be there, and I will recharge my soul and feel better. I can visit with my Cosmic Team. I have been on the wrong road man. And the past few days I really lost my footing.

I have one friend here that really feels like a real friend — not only feels like it she is one. There are others, but yeah, it’s been rough here, I gotta shake that history off and re-invent it. I’m sure my perception is wack af, and I have been seeing things thru filters of evil, anger, mental illness, impatience, frustration and God knows what else. Impatience, non-acceptance –which is torture. Self torture.

I have been in therapy for months now, working hard, trying my ass off at this an that. My band is limping along. My ankle got broken in half by a driver of an SUV — who smacked me off my bike with her motor-vehicle, and that was a big bump in the road.

I’m sure I have been scattering my forces as well. I keep trying to make friends, and I need to just be friends with my routine, my solo act, the ones that really love me & vice versa, and my Youtube channel “Creativity in Cascadea” — Please subscribe btw (:

I don’t always need team, I do well on my own from time to time. I have a really good imagination too, and lots of imaginary friends, since I grew up as an only child, I got that skill.

And not only that, this could be another blessing in disguise, by nature my personality wants to do everything, and it is a challenge to just pick/do a couple of projects and slay at them. Of course, if you try to do too many things, you won’t get anything really accomplished. So the way life is steering me says do:

• Creativity in Cascadea the podcast

• My solo music act busking it (support is showing up for that), and playing the open mics & see who else I meet, — if I tell my bass player I am playing this night, this is the playlist he’ll show up & rock with me. He’s busy & he doesn’t need to come to band practice per say, he is that good. And I am grateful for him. There we go, gratitude, good stuff.

I am seeing that so much of this is acceptance, if I can accept what I have, I can see that it is awesome, and God throws down everyday bam bam bam! But, when I was all insisting things look how I want (which incidentally appears to be my roommate’s problem, just accepting that things are good here, instead of all the bitching she has done for us to tweak for her how she likes it). — it’s no good, and doesn’t work

Compromise, yes. But no one roommate just gets to tell other people what they can’t do in their own home, get real!

Anyway, yes, acceptance huge theme. Patience virtue another life-long quest.

So Ima get busy in my new headspace that I found my way to albeit all too awkwardly, an celebrate my arrival. And rock my projects with the hand I’m holding.

NOW FOR THE QUE:

• Creativity in Cascadea podcast. Please subscribe btw(:

• Rhinoceros — Me on guitar & whatever else I can play with my body (tambo, harmonica) & singing.

And that is it for today.

My mind has been so taken over by dark thoughts, overwhelmed & overstimulated. I have not wanted to do things alone, I lost my joy for things I love, — I have been trying to rally up team, but it’s not been working, in my warped unaccepting impatient former perception.

I will stay away on this trip until I find my way back to another world, a world of my own. Where I have some say.

I was sobbing this morning, third day in a row. I don’t remember feeling that bad, not for a very long time. It’s compounded by all the wretched experiences I have had here trying to find a good place to live, and all the seemingly trashy people I have met here, and mental cases, lol, but who am I to talk right.

I’ve done this before, not very often, but I have done it before, I drop everything that I am metaphorically holding on to, just let go and what matters to me rises to the surface. This time, I reckon I will lay in a metaphorical weightless salt bath and float in the abyss, in a new unchartered orbit where my imagination takes me, and meditation & the like.

One of my friends back in Detroit, the voice of reason, she helped me invite my roommate to have a talk at the coffee house. I was ready never to talk to her again, the anger this past week was horrible, somehow my current housemate has taken a posture of disrespect and name calling, yelling, asking me to move out, and attempting to demand that the house run how she wants it and asking me to stop doing this or that, in my own frickin house — lol the gall right? She’s not all bad of course, OF COURSE, but I have to forgive all that, and remember it’s not personal. **Anybody want to tell me how this person can repeatedly talk/yell/note/text at me about respect when she has been totally disrespectful. Not my mystery tho, not my riddle. That is her business, not mine, thank God.

Oh the ego.

INCREDIBLE I KNOW, that someone would act that way to a stranger, an equal roommate, go figure. Manners are easy, a little politeness, yeah.

So I am inviting her to have a talk with the intention of establishing a mutually respectful cordial home environment, with some compromise, naturally.

I’m sure the main problem that I have been feeling & am in the process of handling, is:

Tension & contention & fighting at home. The lack of a cordial peaceful atmosphere, disrespect and the resulting anger — and I was ready (in my limited ability thus far, to hate this person and never speak to her again), but I found thru experience that hating someone you live with is not sustainable (for me at least) & it’s just that anger, heated blood running things, and eventually it will turn on you, me, in this case. I really can’t say what will happen to others, but I noticed that it turned on me pretty quick, and so that didn’t work.

The voice of reason (shout out to Michelle in Detroit) & my mom too, but yeah, talking with one of my best friends & former housemates this morning helped me realize that the best option was to find communication with her (the current housemate), because we haven’t had that yet, and it’s been over 6 months, we’ve never fully communicated, I have no idea how her soul can think yelling at me, and telling me I should move out, and having no respect, and name calling, and telling me I need to stop doing things and writing nasty crazy notes is the way to go (but I’m not her, so I don’t know where she’s coming from )— man talk about a mismatch to start.

So I left her a note, and now the ball is in her court because I have communicated respectfully, with good sincere intentions, and forgave her again, so I am on my way.

And so here I go building up my strength mentally and spiritually again. So I will do the imagination thing on my trip to a far away metaphysical land because I can.

I am on my way, Amen.

PS: Just so you have some idea about this situation that I am calling in a miracle over, I’m talkin about ugly notes in sharpie marker that say, “Stop leaving dishes here” *imagine photo here* and way crazier rude notes about other stuff, no please, no greeting, just STOP this and STOP that, and then: She leaves dirty dishes, -_- . I wrote in a letter to Michelle when I was processing the situation, “well I reckon,” I wrote, “she must need a clean space to leave her mess in.” — I’m just noting that, — I can accept that and humor her like — it’s just the vicious side of it, the ugly and nasty/aggressive and that is the part that is being called out to the light.

I remember during these months since I got here just after the new year began, when I started picking up on this, I thought to myself, ‘well if people here are like that, I must try not to upset them,’ making light of madness. Light light light. Make light and handle it. I painted tonight, and listened to the train whistle and the thunder. Life is good, I tune myself to the positive!

I’m glad that dark fever passed, it really seems gone. And I pray that I have learned something, that will help me be a better human in the future.